Why Yes, I -DO- Hate Black History Month!

January 13th, 2009

This is what Dr. King fought for.

A flier headlined “Why I hate Black History Month” that was sent home with St. Louis-area schoolchildren has been tweaked after a slew of complaints.

Well, that’s a helluva lede.

Organizers say they were trying to emphasize the importance of learning about black history all year long, not just in February.

Oh, now it makes sense. See, when I hate something, I pretend to love it. A girl once asked me why I didn’t like Vampire Weekend, and I said it was because I loved the concept of being rich and white so much, I couldn’t stand it when those guys only promoted their rich whiteness half-way instead of all-out. Of course, this is total bullshit: I don’t like Vampire Weekend because their music sounds like having a bad hangover at a shitty Carribean resort, but the smug answer I gave was to make her think I still espoused the values of whatever those guys sing about (being rich and white, I guess). This case is pretty much the same thing: The school is pretending they don’t really hate Black History Month by saying they stand for the ideas of the celebration, just not the execution.

The guys in St. Louis must be on some shit, because I think I can say anything using that back-asswards logic. Check out a list of things you can say you hate — and how to get away with it:

Claim: I hate heterosexuals!
Repartee: Actually, I hate that heterosexuals aren’t heterosexual enough. Therefore, I will let my penis hang out of my pants every time I see an attractive woman.

Claim: I hate Quentin Tarantino!
Repartee: Actually, I love ripping off old movies — I just wish I had figured it out before he did.

Claim: I hate toast!
Repartee: Why does society force us to always toast things? Sometimes I just want to eat a plain slice of bread, but I can’t handle all of the taunting those toast-eaters give me!

Claim: I hate poor people!
Repartee: Fuck poor people.

If this fails, you can always just make a complete spin in intention.