Diddy Adds ‘Acting Coach’ to Resume, Becomes Quintuple-threat

As the questionnaire often goes, who would play you in the movie of your life?

It’s been over a decade since the Notorious B.I.G.’s death, but most of the prominent supporting characters in the biopic Notorious are in fact alive and famous.  Faith Evans, Mrs. Wallace (Biggie’s mother), Sugg Knight, Lil’ Kim, Lil’ Cease, and probably some other Lil’ friends are all still riding the fame waves in some respect, and the bar is set high for their personae and visages to dovetail before our eyes.

Then there’s Diddy.  Though Biggie’s lifetime wasn’t long enough for him to witness the full metamorphose of Diddy, he did know Puffy and Puff Daddy quite well.  Actor Derek Luke takes on the role, assuming Puffy’s mannerisms and speech patterns so well it’s hard to care that they don’t look exactly alike.  Surely to play Diddy in a movie executive produced by Diddy about Diddy’s friend is no simple Diddy task (Diddy tasks are different from regular tasks.)

One can only imagine the kind of stage direction that took place, the kind of micromanaging to which Diddy must’ve subjected Derek Luke throughout the filming.  We picture Diddy standing offstage, yelling acting instructions like:

“Yeah, yeah, now shake your shoulders like there’s a live goldfish in your hoodie.”

“Pretend you just read a book and it was the most amazing thing you ever read.  Then you turn to the cover and find out you wrote it.  Bring that emotion.”

“Now when you tell Biggie you’ll make him a millionaire, your limbs better flow like a river of Chandon before they was haters.”

“Act like you just been told you Jewish.  You got a big piece of salmon in ya mouth, and you just like, damn, feel that?”

“Throw that money in the audience like you are the whole audience, and you bout to catch your own money.”

“In this scene you a gladiator, with a roll of Glad wrap just feelin’ glad, you Gladys Knight, you the G.L.A.D. organization, that’s the Greater Los Angeles Agency on Deafness, you deaf, get that!”

“Act like you 12, you just got a cowboy birthday cake, but you a grown ass man.  Eating cowboy cake, you ain’t do that.”