Get On The Case

The shoes are ugly, but the style is hot.

Imagine a man in a suit walking into your room holding a stainless steel briefcase.  After eyeing you up-and-down while holding back the malicious sneer apparent in his eyes, he slams the case down on the table.  You wait with bated breath.  He opens it up slowly and spins it around so it faces you.  The briefcase is full of weed.  The man in the suit is fucking with you.

Does everything look better in a briefcase?  Yes.  In 2001, Nike released a special type of Air Jordans that came in a briefcase.  Consider the style implications the briefcase holds.  Imagine going to the basketball court wearing a suit and carrying this briefcase.  Everyone looks you up and down, expecting a corporate stiff ready to get his ass handed to him; imagine their surprise when you slam that briefcase down, open it up to reveal those perfectly-stitched-but-kind-of-ugly basketball shoes, and rip off your suit to reveal a Michael Jordan throwback jersey.  Imagine that as you imagine this, it is already the coolest thing you have ever done.

There’s a lot of imagining going on.  There’s a limited edition deluxe version of Blade Runner that contains five versions of the film, some replica figurines, a letter signed by Ridley Scott, a lock of Harrison Ford’s hair, and a piece of paper Philip K. Dick once licked when he was high as hell.  It comes in a steel briefcase.  Imagine sitting down to watch a movie with your friends.  They don’t know what they want to watch.  Squabbling ensues.  All of a sudden, you kneel as if to pray to some higher deity, then calmly pull the briefcase from underneath your bed and place it on top of the covers.  Your friends are confused even though the briefcase has the name of the movie printed on top of it.  You open up the briefcase and pull out one of those movies.  Perhaps there’s also weed inside.

Can you imagine if everything came in briefcases?  Food.  Videogames.  The newspaper.  DVDs.  Pet cats.  Change.  Boxes of Kleenex.  Miniature American flags.  Copies of Snoop Dogg’s porno.  It matters not.  When you have that briefcase, you run shit.  Recognize.