Solving Recession Woes, One ‘Zona At A Time

What with y’all groanin’ about the economy so loud I can hear you from here in my dorm room writing chamber, it’s time I let you in on a little something.

Yes, the recession is disastrous, but often it feels like the answers are staring right at us.  Bitches and fellas, this answer is staring right at you  in 7-Eleven: AriZona Tallboys.

While it might not replace the thou’s you lost in Ford stock and Circuit City gift cards, these 99 cent, 24-ounce mega-cans will do double duty, saving you from both dehydration and poverty.  Also, you get the added burst of joy that comes with claiming something awesome before hipsters do.  When you’re clutching one of these bigguys, they’ll violently spasm with envy that even in the wake of Sparks they didn’t think of it first, and you’ll be like, “must those hipsters hipster-dance here?”

But forget about them, because you don’t need hipsters nearby to enjoy a ‘Zona.  A little known fact is that they come in a crap mound of flavors and span nearly every beverage taste imaginable; it’s like if the seats of the House of Representatives were filled by drinks, and justice.  To give you a taste (figuratively, unfortunately) of the versatility of AriZona tallboys, peep the flavor assortment pictured above.  The manufacturer may be known best for its iced tea, but Mount Rushmore be damned if that’s where a day’s work ends in the state of ‘Zona.  No, when they’re not coming up with new flavors, they’re building a new coliseum where tallboys are pillars!

That’s false, but I can’t emphasize enough how terrifically cost-efficient these drankrockets are.  For the price of a song on iTunes you can have three servings of fluid heaven!  And oh, my God, “fluid heaven” sounds like a nostalgic catchphrase about anonymous sex in the 70s!

In the last 24 hours I’ve dropped $7.96 trying different tallboys.  I want to be able to say I love them like my children and can’t pick a favorite, but just like in families with too many kids, that’s not true–the raspberry tea tastes like cleaning products, car air fresheners, and morons.  Other than that, you can’t go wrong!  Now go!  Imbibe!