Making Larry David Proud: The Pilot Script to Cam’ron’s New Sitcom

Cam'ron curbing his enthusiasm in a hot tub.

We hear that rapper Cam’ron is developing a TV series based on Curb Your Enthusiasm.  We were so awed, thrilled, incredulous; we couldn’t resist calling up Cam’s weed carrier to get a copy of the script for the pilot episode.   He was kind enough to swing by Taintbrush headquarters to drop off a copy and a few girls we didn’t ask for!

* * *

(Begin scene — Hell Rell returns from the corner store with a shopping bag full of snacks.  Juelz Santana is seated in a lawn chair with spinner rims on it, Cam’Ron in a throne, and Jim Jones in a bean bag chair donning a Slanket.  They open a bag of Jack Links beef jerky and tear into it.)

Juelz: This jerky shit is just texture, there’s no flavor.

Cam: You gotta grind yo teeth on it, like this, ARR NAR NAR (Makes grinding noise with teeth).

Juelz: Like this? GRAN GRAN GRAN.

Cam: Nah man, like ARR NAR NAR.

Juelz: Oh hold up, like ARR NAR NAR ? Yeah, I tastes that.

(Duke Da God enters the room.  He takes an Oreo, twists off the creme side and leaves behind the cookie.)

Juelz: You left a dry cookie.

Cam: You leave a dry pussy -(inhales from yardstick-sized purple blunt)- Write that down, Rell, I wrote a rhyme.

Juelz: But I dropped that line about the cookie.

Cam: Well I picked it up.  Like they say, he who drops it lops it.

Juelz: -(Reluctantly, like Eeyore)- Dip Set.

(Enter J.R. Writer on a tandem bicycle.)

J.R. Writer: I got the next big thing, Cam.  We gonna take the letter D out of “weed.”

Cam: Wait, you just wanna say you smokin’ weeh?

J.R. Writer: WEEH!  Ooh that weeh.

Juelz: You sound like a little bitch on a playground slide.  Yeah, you sound like you playin’ a game of butt touchies with your cousin for the first time.  No homo.

(All are silent)

Juelz: I said no homo! No homo no homo no homo!

Cam: You a crazy dude, you say it that many times it just sounds like you sayin’ “homo no.”

Hell Rell: Yo, Homono sounds like a beautiful island.

Cam: Ha ha yeah, I wanna speedjet there on my jetspee.

J.R. Writer: Yo you can’t just go taking the D off anything you want.

All: NO HOMO.

Duke Da God: BRAPBRAPBRAPBRAP!

Cam: Say word. Real boobies, Bolognese.

(Roll credits, set to track of polka music with Jewish lawyers saying “Dip Set?” repeatedly.)