A Study in Drunk Texts

So you’ve been drinking for like, TWO HOURS.  You’ve got a burning itch (not the burning itch) and you know it’s time to text a loved one, or maybe a former loved one if you’re desperately horny, or maybe Paul Janka if you’re feeling date-rape-victim-y.

The thing is, even at the most obnoxious and graceless nadir (zenith?) of drinking, you can still manage coherence in a text message.  Perhaps you’re the kind of drunk who can crap out enough focus and effort to get it right on your own, but more likely you’ve got autocorrect transforming your every word with its omnipotent fairy wand of spelling.

The blessing is that, hey, the beloved receiver will be able to read and understand what you’re saying! The curse is that, fuck, they’ll be able to read and understand what you’re saying, not to mention that you’ll both have written transcripts of your late-night caprice.  Whereas in a drunk dial the dialogue might get dismissed or forgotten, the drunk text confronts you like waking up spooning Janet Reno or seeing yourself in a Girls Gone Wild commercial.  Given that the impulse to fire off drunk texts is such a common one…

The question: Does the iPhone facilitate drunk texts?

Taintbrush investigates just how far can you stray from the letters of the word “drunk” before autocorrect stops working.

The answer: PRETTY FAR.

Evidence as follows:

Exhibit A: Really? Deunm?

Exhibit B: Gettin' drynj in the club.

Exhibit C: Too seunk to fuck.

Exhibit D: Get frunj, y'all

Exhibit E: Thrown in the drubj tank

The moral of the story, kids, is that the iPhone is an enabler! Proceed with caution.