Oh, Morrissey…*sigh*

So playful. So romantic. So Morrissey.

It took me a while to get into The Smiths, because they are really easy to casually make fun of on account of what a flaming wuss Morrissey seems to be from afar.  Making fun of melodramatically mopey people is like shooting retarded fish in a barrel filled with cyanide, so after a while I figured it was time to stop cracking wise about how foppy Morrissey’s hair seemed to be and time to give the band a try.  BOY HOWDY, WHAT I WAS MISSING!  The thing about Morrissey is that while he’s really sad, he’s also really funny; he’s a hole of black humor, not of desolation, and combined with Johnny Marr’s spidery guitar lines and lavish arrangements, they were just the best band.  To be alive when The Queen Is Dead was in stores…sigh.

It’s really easy to think about The Smiths in romantic terms like that, because Morrissey is just such a goddamn romantic, and gee, what just happened that might make you think of romance?  *obvious drum roll* VALENTINE’S DAY!  In honor of how great Morrissey is and the huge hard on I have for the entire image that he’s meticulously created for himself over the last 25 years, I wanted to share my favorite Morrissey lyrics with you.

“On the day that your mentality / Catches up with your biology / And if you ever need self-validation / Just meet me in the alley by the railway station” – “I Want The One I Can’t Have“

The biggest question surrounding Morrissey: Is he or isn’t he?  Johnny Marr says that he knows of plenty of female groupies that Moz had his way with, and I remember reading someone, either Morrissey or Marr, say that he wouldn’t think of Morrissey as fitting under sexual classification; like Prince, Morrissey transcends mere sexuality to become a vessel for pure experience.  Woof!  In this track, off Meat is Murder, there’s a sly wink from the speaker of the song to the presumably male topic of the song: When you figure out what your body did long ago, meet him in the alley for a secret rendezvous.  Wink wink, nod nod.

“Past the Pub who saps your body / And the church who’ll snatch your money / The Queen is dead, boys / And it’s so lonely on a limb” – “The Queen is Dead“

MELODRAMA; this song exudes it.  It’s all about that killer up-tempo drum beat, and it all crescendoes to an explosion of feeling when Moz almost moans, “The Queen is dead, boys” as if it’s a sign that the world really has changed.  Chills, man.  I get chills. 

“I would go out tonight / But I haven’t got a stitch to wear” – “This Charming Man“

This sums up every decision I’ve made not to go out with my friends in the last few years, because if you can’t look good, then why bother?  Alternately, I may have been more interested in watching old episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

“Burn down the disco / Hang the blessed DJ / Because the music that they constantly play / It says nothing to me about my life” – “Panic“

The real reason why going to clubs suck: When the music isn’t great, everyone just bitches about it because they want something that means something to them, not something that could be fun that they don’t recognize.  If you’re going to the club to learn something about yourself, you’re not going to learn much except that you tend to make bad sexual decisions when you’re really drunk.  Get over it, as Morrissey says.

“And if you must, go to work – tomorrow / Well, if I were you I really wouldn’t bother / For there are brighter sides to life / And I should know, because I’ve seen them / But not very often” – “Still Ill“

What a romantic rogue!  Why are you going to work when you could be sitting with Morrissey, or your lover, having a wonderful time?  Those wonderful times exist, but you’re not going to see them very often if all you do is bog yourself down in the tedium of the everyday.  Romance and self-deprecation: The Morrissey standard.

“What she asked of me at the end of the day / Caligula would have blushed” – “Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now” (skip to about the 2:00 mark)

What would make Caligula blush?  Anal fisting?  Bestiality?  Experimentation with live jumper cables?  Use this phrase any time you’ve uncomfortable doing something in bed.

“In the absence of your love / And in the absence of human touch / I have decided I’m throwing my arms / Around all of Paris because only stone and steel / Accept my love” – “I’m Throwing My Arms Around Paris“

This is off Morrissey’s new record, showing he’s still got the capacity to be absurdly romantic.  I don’t buy into the romance all the time, but I buy into how silly he can be about it.  This song is super silly, which makes it more real, I think.  Who would ever throw their arms around Paris because they feel unloved?  Still, sometimes that’s all you want to do, which is why Morrissey is so great: He recognizes how absurd our desires can be, and is the only one bold enough to risk losing face over expressing natural melodrama.  Viva Morrissey!