Why Your E-mail Signature Might Smell Like Asshole

What's that smell?

I’ve been using e-mail for as long as velociraptors have freely roamed the earth, and I’ve seen it all.  I’ve seen the rise and decline of gran-dad AOL, the now-hilariously outdated movie You’ve Got Mail, the sluttiest of Hotmail account names, Fwd: upon Fwd: upon Fwd:, the most poorly targeted spam combated by the most refined spam filters, devices that make your lonely drunk ass do arithmetic to grant access, hackers, haxz0rz, and countless other dinglehoppers.  For every trend, for every shred of progress or breakdown, one thing is left in its wake: assholes.

Over my illustrious history of e-mail experience I’ve come to develop a highly discerning nose for these types.  I’m an expert, I can really sniff out the assholes. (Looks around at uncomfortable, silent audience and horrified family members, slowly walking off stage backwards.)

As Supreme Court justices are with hardcore pornography, I am with e-mail assholes: I know them when I see them.  These days, thanks to the de-anonymization and de-sketchification of the Internet, the asshole archetype has somewhat evolved.  They’re no longer sending you massive chain e-mails (hey, that’s what reblogs are for!) or cloying e-cards, rather, they’re overusing their signature as a means of expression.

Granted I think all premeditated e-mail signatures are pretty bad, but adding these little features will give you a two-handed shove into the Land That Stinks Mightily of Asshole:

1. The overly detailed job title: If we’re in e-mail correspondence, chances are I have at least a soft grip on what you do for a living.  If you want to shimmy in a short reminder, well, whatever.  But if you exceed five words, guess what you smell like?  If you answered “asshole”, you’re absolutely correct, Mr. Chief Deputy Counter-manager of Cantaloupe Services, Counterstrike Retention, Senior Foreplay Management, the quick fox jumped over the lazy brown dog Association and Associates Affiliates Assassins, LLC.

2. Colors, cute fonts, and weird characters: Those are fine.  Just kidding, sadsacks, it’s 2009!

3. The inspirational quote: Did that philosophical Gandhi quote really hit you hard?  I’m sure he’d be spiritually satisfied to know that with every appointment confirmation and customer service inquiry you send, he’s in there too.  Listen, I hate to say this, but there is not an inspirational quote in the entire world that you could possibly amalgamate to your signature that will move me.  It just won’t.  At the very least, steer clear of the red flags of e-mail assholes that are constituted by the Jacks: Jack Johnson, Jack Kerouac, and Jack Nicholson in The Bucket List.  Quoting any of these three will distinguish you as an odorific brownstar of note.

4. The “Save paper — don’t print this e-mail unless you need to”: Yeah, well when I print this e-mail and it goes onto the second page just because you included that…

5. The link dump: What’s this?  Your ex-boyfriend’s band’s website, coworker’s startup, and sister’s wedding photos come free with this deal?  If only you’d included an “unsubscribe” link this would be such a jackpot.