Taintbrush Presents: The Only Authoritative Oscar Predictions Anywhere

February 22nd, 2009

CB056255 The Academy isn’t fooling anyone with all this posing as though it’s rewarding art, technical prowess, or talent; that it’s about merit, taste, upholding a standard of excellence; that it has nothing to do with box office grosses, industry relationships, and targeted marketing. The pretense, politics, and economics of the Oscars are so thinly veiled we can practically see their bare asses. They might as well nominate PR people, airbrush tan technicians, and fancy dresses (though as it goes, dresses–even fancy ones–give shitty acceptance speeches, and we can’t even feign excitement about PR people.)

Perhaps worse than the Oscars is the ugly slew of media hype it spawns, mostly in the form of predictions. At this point we might have to sacrifice Nate Silver to the demons because even Oscars predictions have become predictable. For them, it’s a balancing act of trending and ethos–the movie that best embodies America’s vain fantasy of the moment. Wanna get rich? Wanna fall in love? Wanna be dark?

For the Academy, there’s even less rationale, since apparently their voters don’t even have to watch every nominated movie in order to participate. Once the decisions get this far away from the movies themselves, what are the winners besides benchmarks of the end of a crap shoot? If it’s not about the movies, why not leave it up to luck, nature, superstition, squirrels even?

So that’s precisely what we did. We now present to you the official Taintbrush Oscar predictions, as determined by worldly rhyme and reason.

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BEST DIRECTOR
As determined by flippin’ Wheat Thins.

Who will prevail? Boyle in the expected landslide? Van Sant for career achievement? Ron Howard for showing up?

We wrote the names of all five nominees on Wheat Thins. Who will prevail? Boyle in the expected landslide? Van Sant for career achievement? Ron Howard for showing up?

After one flip, Ron Howard is out. Emmy readies Boyle's shot at stardom.

We then flipped the Wheat Thins in the air like coins, and if they landed name-side down, they were out of the running. After one flip, Ron Howard has ceased to be. Here, Emmy readies Boyle's shot at stardom.

Stephen Daldry wins for Best Director in a stunning upset! Director of gay Euro-dramas like Billy Elliott and The Hours, this is Daldry's third nomination in a sure-to-be long line of Oscar baiting period dramas.

Flip, flip, flip, and GEE DAMN, Stephen Daldry wins for Best Director in a stunning upset! Director of gay Euro-dramas like Billy Elliott and The Hours, this is Daldry's third nomination in a sure-to-be long line of Oscar baiting period dramas. So that's that!

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
As determined by apples’ oxidation.

After taking a giant bite out of each apple, we set them on the table and let the swinging pendulum of time ravage its natural crispness.

We wrote the names of the nominees on some fresh fresh apples, took a giant bite out of each one, and let the swinging pendulum of time ravage its natural crispness.

After thirty minutes, Heath Ledger's apple had rotted the most and thus, we declared Ledger the winner. There are several tasteless jokes to be made about how much his apple rotted; Taintbrush will be making none of them.

30 minutes elapsed, and Heath Ledger's apple had rotted the most! Thus, we declared Ledger the winner. There are several tasteless jokes to be made about how much his apple rotted; Taintbrush will be making none of them. Nary a one.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
As determined by hungry hungry squirrels.

With the names of the nominees for Best Supporting Actress scribbled on the walnuts, we set them outside on the porch for the native squirrels to greatly benefit from our predictions.

With the names of the nominees for Best Supporting Actress scribbled on five walnuts, we set them outside on the porch overnight for the native squirrels to decide.

Although impossible to see because of our crappy camera, Viola Davis's walnut was the only one left the next day by the squirrels, making this first-time nominee a lucky winner. Tip to nominees: Always court the animal vote.

Although impossible to see because of our crappy camera, when we came back the next morning, Viola Davis's walnut was the only one left by the squirrels, making this first-time nominee a lucky winner. Tip to nominees: Always court the animal vote.*

*Terrible photography by Jeremy Gordon.

BEST ACTOR
As determined by Flamin’ Hot Cheeto dust thumbprint resemblance.

The Cheeto dust is only slightly less orangey than Mickey Rourke's face. Zing!

We rubbed our hands in a bag of Flamin' Hot Cheetos and made fingerprints. The fingerprint that most resembled the nominee wins by our guess. And hey, the Cheeto dust is only slightly less orangey than Mickey Rourke's face. Zing!

If you look closely, you can see the confusing patch of grey that mixed in with Brad Pitt's Cheeto image. As Benjamin Button looks old as hell, we figured this was a close enough resemblance to give him the win.

BEST ACTRESS
As determined by spin the bottle.

We have a serious crush on all of these actresses, so we decided on an old-fashioned game of Spin the Bottle to pick the actress of our hearts. Here, the bottle is in neutral position. Who will take home Oscar gold?

We have a serious crush on all of these actresses, so we decided on an old-fashioned game of Spin the Bottle to decide a winner. Who will take home Oscar gold?

After a few spins where the bottle rolled out of the circle, the bottle pointed in Ms. Winslet's direction. This is Winslet's six nomination for Best Actress, and second for a role in which she gets butt naked.

Oh! And the bottle pointed in Ms. Winslet's direction. This is Winslet's six nomination for Best Actress, and second for a role in which she gets butt naked. That pretty much spells winner if you ask us. Plus, this bottle once contained grape soda, so you know it's accurate.

BEST PICTURE
As determined by boiling chicken bones.

For the big event, we prepped five fine chicken bones for our prediction conjuring needs and wrote the name of each movie on the side. Whichever bone rises to the top of a pot of boiling water will be tonight's winner. Let's throw 'em in! Getcha roll on.

Wait, what's this? A bone is beginning to rise! Our Best Picture winner is imminent!

In a surprising victory, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button reaffirms the Academy's love of big boring romantic dramas. Actually, maybe this wasn't a surprise at all.

There you have it, folks: The only authoritative Oscar predictions you can trust before tonight’s big event, and the only ones you want to refer to when you’re trying to one-up your friends. To recap:

Best Director: Stephen Daldry
Best Supporting Actor: Heath Ledger
Best Supporting Actress: Viola Davis
Best Actor: Brad Pitt
Best Actress: Kate Winslet
Best Picture: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

*Taintbrush is not liable for any money lost from adhering to our predictions.

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