Crocs: The Jig Is Up, Now Get Your Dog Out Of That Shoe

MEOW?

I don’t know if “the jig is up” is even an appropriate phrase to use here, it’s kind of one of those Jason Stathamisms I end up barfing out at all the wrong moments, but WHATEVER, it’s fucking happening:

Shoemaker Crocs widened its loss in the first quarter, sending shares plunging more than 20% in after-market trading.

During the quarter, the company recorded a loss of $22.4 million, or 27 cents a share.

Quickly now, moms; put all your terrible Crocs brand extension products on eBay while you still can! That includes the dog bed, the boots, the mary janes, the cell phone holder, the key chain, and the “garden kneeler” (whatever that is — doesn’t it look like it’s meant to hold two breast implants? Why would you ever want to do that?)

That is so much terrible.  How did we let this happen?  I’m already having this horrible image of Starvin Marvin & co. receiving a giant shipment of multicolored Crocs bullshit after the company goes bankrupt, and a bunch of I Love the Millenium people being all “Remember that? boing boing boing!”

There’s only one answer, and that’s to melt down all the Croc rubber-foam-eco-whatever, eliminate any evidence that such a phenomenon (or should I say, phe-mom-enon? No, I mustn’t) ever occurred, and remold it into a really big waterslide that dumps out in Tijuana.  Wouldn’t that be an exciting ride? I’m ready to accept pitches for VC funding, but you’ll have to get down on your last garden kneeler.