C-List Celebrity, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS PRODUCT!?

This man is selling shit you will never be able to afford, like Grey Goose vodka and love.

Orson Welles once said that movies are canned because they come in cans, which means they aren’t fresh. He was making a point about how stale the cinema can seem, and why we need to break from the complaisant urge to stick to what we know when we’re scared to do anything new. For actors and musicians in the “entertainment” business, I wonder if they feel that creative dearth from time to time and try to switch up their horizons accordingly. Does the guy from Nickelback sigh when he realizes he’s just written the hundredth variation of “Photograph”? Does that inspire him to invest all his time in a jazz fusion side project, or perhaps a gallery installation on barbershop still life? Probably not, because Nickelback keeps releasing variations of “Photograph.” But for the restless man, there is something more.

That something more is the questionnaire ad, where celebrities get to answer a bunch of totally personal and unique questions about some product they wouldn’t use to line their cat’s shit box. They’re usually found in magazines opposite front of the book sections that distract you enough where you might accept Chamillionaire hawking Castrol motor oil as a typical thing. “Really, so that’s what I can do to freshen my shubbery in the springtime?” the house mom says as she puts down her copy of Better Home and Garden. “Now, what does this rapper have to say about car maintenance?” You get to know a lot by reading the ad: 1) Castrol motor oil lasta a long time and doesn’t need to be replaced often and 2) Chamillionaire will do anything for money.

Lo, I popped open a copy of this month’s GQ to find the primest example of this phenomenom: Indie actor starlet Gael Garcia Bernal putting the GGB stamp on Grey Goose vodka. Gael is just bursting with things to tell us about this overpriced alcohol and how you can best use it. For example:

What you’re listening to sets the mood. For a fun, sophisticated gathering, create a playlist that gets your guests moving. Gael often likes to put together a mix of Latin music and old-school recordings, or anything that’s fun and has a good beat. Gael knows his party is a success when everyone ends up dancing. “That’s a sign that it was good for their souls.”

Words of wisdom: When people are having fun, it means that having fun is good. I understand it’s not about the money with the GGB, but rather, the advice he’s imparting in all of us with his love of Grey Goose, because Pouring GREY GOOSE (TM) always makes the night feel special. As I peeled my eyes down the rest of the ad, I saw further streams of juice from GGB’s mind jugs.

Gael knows his hair is wet when he lies down on his pillow and when he sits up it’s wet. “That’s a sign I didn’t go for a long enough jog to get the wet out.”

Gael knows a lady is good in bed when he finishes and doesn’t even want a cigarette. “That’s a sign she’s been around the block before.”

Gael knows it’s time to buy new shoes when he can stick his big toe through a hole in the front and accidentally steps on a nail. “That’s a sign I might have gangrene.”

Gael knows he’s seen Star Wars enough times when he dreams about naked Ewoks. “That’s a sign I need to meet some non-furry girls.”

Gael knows he’s tripping when he looks over in the corner and there’s a dog made of gold just staring at him, panting diamonds that evaporate when he tries to touch them. “That’s a sign I got wet as hell – and not in a water way!”

Gael knows his car is out of gas when he turns the engine on and pushes his foot down on the pedal and it doesn’t go and he keeps fucking pushing but the car isn’t fucking going so he has to call his agent to send a car to pick him up because how do you expect me to get to auditions without a car a cab will be so expensive are you kidding me Bruce do you think I’m made of money? “That’s a sign my car needs to get better mileage.”

Next month: Jon Voight advertises deodorant.