I am so sorry.

I stepped into a crowded subway car around ten this morning to see that a long stretch of seats was occupied by a urine-drenched person with his head in a box. People love to do the farmer fist gesture and say “Only in New York!” about things like this but let’s acknowledge that this is a rare and sad morning sight, not just a souvenir in story form. Read More →

The realest dude, gold lamé and all.

Michael Jackson is dead but I am not. This should be enough to make me happy about life, and I am. But plenty of people are not happy about life in the week following Read More →

DISCLAIMER: This is my LiveJournal. OK cool, so.

Blog poets society

I spent almost my entire nineteenth birthday in the bathtub experiencing the First Great Meltdown of my adultish life. I’ve selectively forgotten what that was all about, but I need not invent any metaphors to illustrate the fact that I was soaking in lukewarm meta-pity. Read More →

They can't believe they were just in this movie.

In Chicago’s Lincoln Park, where I live, there’s an athletic center with a fake rock climbing wall located on the outside wall of the building that goes up maybe four or five stories. Whenever I pass it, I imagine myself dropping the anime Read More →

This man is selling shit you will never be able to afford, like Grey Goose vodka and love.

Orson Welles once said that movies are canned because they come in cans, which means they aren’t fresh. He was making a point about how stale the cinema can seem, and why Read More →

The eclipse of the mind and the heart that occurs when one comes across Extra Long Twizzlers for the first time.

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Can you take me higher, Scott Stapp?

Creed is reuniting this summer. I presume that your genitals have exploded after reading that sentence, and will give you a moment to clean up. Read More →

This Native American/Werewolf knows what youth culture is about in 2009.

On the first night of summer break, I was overcome with a wave of nausea from some noxious tobacco that had found its way into a night of typical college rituals and libations. My stomach, churning like the whirlpool of Charbydis, Read More →

100% real To Do list

It’s summer, and chances are your routine is changing a little bit. It’s supposed to be the happiest season of the year, but maybe you feel inexplicably bogged down with stuff. Sometimes it’s hard to figure out exactly what’s doing it, so to aid you in your summery transition I’ve made a To Do list. Get going on it, results guaranteed or your money back! (Ed. note: invisible money has, in fact, exchanged hands.) Read More →

This is the future of communication.

I’ve been working at a Chicago comic book store for the last five years which has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life, getting to hang out with mostly-interesting people talking about nerd shit 24/7 and serving a mostly-cool clientele that constantly reminds me one thing: In the real world, no one cares how smart you try to be. Read More →