Weak? You're not doing it right, bro.

Our apologies. It’s been a busy week of finals and working on school stuff and a bunch of boring shit you don’t really care about; BUT, we will be updating soon. Here’s a funny thing I came across while Googling “marijuana smell” to use in the introduction of an article I’m writing.

Was this really the top answer? Does no one have a more accurate, less vom-inducing description of what pot smells like? Then again, the best word I ever heard to describe the smell was simply, “Farts.” As in, “The better your weed is, the more they smell like farts.” Amen to that, I guess.

Things that smell better than “weak skunk pee”:

• The inside of a hobo’s stomach
• The underbelly of an inbred horse
• A bowl of whore’s milk
• Lil’ Wayne’s dreads
• A comic book from 1972 wrapped in a sheath of cat hair
• The rotted sack of skin better known as Madonna

Coming soon: What does cocaine smell like? How can I identify it without getting the urge to listen to Fleetwood Mac?

As our first Taintbrush original video, we felt compelled to feature the smugface, the signature face of people who are smug as fuck.  Consider it a practical instructional video for those of us who are not naturally complacent and offensively self-satisfied all the time. Read More →

OH MAH GAWWWW!!!!!!!

Maybe because I’m the ripe age of 20, I have a hard time judging whether pop culture has always been controlled by teenagers or if this is a recent shift.  Either way, it’s an odd and vulnerable moment when you realize that you’re too old to get your head around what appears to be some of the hottest shit out there.  Having to concede that you don’t get it is a real stare-yourself-in-the-mirror-and-shed-a-single-tear moment.  God, you used to be so cool. Read More →

KON-VICT MU-SIC!

A terrifying tidbit from Akon’s Wikipedia entry:

Akon has confirmed that a reality television show is in the works. It will be called “My Brother’s Keeper” and the point is that Akon’s two nearly identical brothers will go around in Atlanta posing as him fooling people into thinking that it is in fact Akon. Read More →

You are about to kill all these black people.

At midnight last night, I walked over to the local GameStop with a friend of mine, kicked the door in, stared the clerk in the eye and said, “Give me your finest video game.” The man, unnerved by my wayward eye and the six-inch stiletto I was tracing up and down my palm, Read More →

Steve Vai is a man not many of you should care about. He’s a guitarist’s guitarist, which means he’s a slash wizard who can out-shred the fuck out of 99% of musicians on the planet, but fills most listeners with nothing but pyrotechnic dread; his biggest group of fans are guys who still blast the first few David Lee Roth albums, and while I can’t fault them, it’s not really my bag. What is the value of these so-called “guitar geniuses” who are incredibly proficient at their instrument but can’t make an album that interests anyone? It’s not as simple as saying they suck just because they can only shred… but what’s the point? A question for another day.

Anyways, the reason you are skipping to the three minute mark of this video (THE THREE MINUTE MARK, 3:00, Youtube’s time stamp won’t work with embedding) is because Mr. Vai is playing some concert decked out in Splinter Cell headgear with some kind of Mandarin ring getup on his hand when the lights go off in the arena and his body comes alive. Notice the LEDs on his guitar? How they light up his fret board so he can see them in the dark? That is nothing compared to his hand: HIS HAND EMITS LASERS. Check it out for yourself. Every ring seems to be a laser pointer, so that when he shreds, lasers shoot out of his fingers and shine wildly.

Vai is probably not an idiot. He knows who this appeals to: Thirteen-year olds who are discovering Led Zeppelin for the first time and think that technically skilled rock is the best kind of rock. For that reasons, playing with goddamn lasers on his hands is a brilliant marketing move. On the other hand, maybe he just thinks lasers are awesome. This is also true!

My point: If you are going to play guitar, you should consider wearing lasers on your hands. Do I really need to deconstruct this? Do I really need to snark about this? Maybe you will read this and give me an F for effort. However, the man is playing with lasers on his hands. Deconstruct that, Einstein.

This is a censored picture. In the movie, his swinging cod is out in full force.

I saw Watchmen the other day, and while I won’t waste time crying about how much I didn’t like it, one thing has irked me hard like a needle made out of diamond lodged in my urethra; specifically, how afraid Americans seem to be of dicks. Read More →

This man has giant nipples.

I was 13 the first time I read Watchmen. I took it out from the library on a whim because I had heard it was good from the guy at my comic book store, curled up in bed, and read the dang thing. At the time, it was the best comic I had ever read Read More →

What is it that makes these shoes so special, so intricate, so Wu-Tang?  I sat in on the board meeting to develop and market these sneakers back in 1999 when they were released, and the pitch was so persuasive Don Draper would’ve rolled himself into a giant blunt wrap and had himself express delivered to the Rza.  Read More →

Serious: I just want to troll Zak Snyder hard enough so that one day, he will get Internet mad and try to hunt me down. Then we can discuss theories of adaptation and why he needs to try harder.

One of the regrettable things of the Internet is that it has allowed writers and editors to get so lazy when it comes to content, because if something can be thrown up on the Web for no real cost or risk Read More →