Just workin' on they fitness

emmy: i once read this NYT article that says a 40 year old woman should be able to manage 16 push-ups no problem, which means a 20 year old woman should probably be able to do 20-30
jeremy: wow, i ain’t got shit on a 40 year old woman
emmy: ok so i just tried, i can do about 12 pushups in a row before i’m just like FARTTTTT
jeremy: i think i can do like, 7, whoop
emmy: i’m a leg strength kind of person!
jeremy: i have retarded leg strength too, compared to my arm strength
emmy: retarded=good?bad?
jeremy: good, always good
emmy: oh word. yeah i can leg press a family of hippopotamus
jeremy: i once drop kicked a mailbox
emmy: i pretty much loathe the gym but i’m fascinated by the thought that i could become a phonebook-tearing monster, just, rrrrrrip, ROAR
emmy: perhaps the origins of the phrase “rip-roaring”
jeremy: yeah, i wish i could, like, do back flips off walls
jeremy: but whatever, i’m really good at the internet
jeremy: smugface
jeremy: god i need a fuckin’ emoticon for the smug face
jeremy: maybe ; /
emmy: ;-}{
emmy: GOT EM
emmy: it has a doublechin and everything, just like a real smug face

A fan of The Dark Knight gets ready to post on the Internet.

A final note on the Academy Awards, and then we will never discuss them again. Ideologically, I hate what the Oscars stand for; I watch them every year Read More →

Behold my fort of virginity.

Just kidding, anime sucks. It’s easy to love Akira and whatever cuteness Hayao Miyazaki craps out, but anime culture Read More →

The Academy isn’t fooling anyone with all this posing as though it’s rewarding art, technical prowess, or talent; that it’s about merit, taste, upholding a standard of excellence; that it has nothing to do with box office grosses, industry relationships, and targeted marketing.  Read More →

Aaron Lewis of Staind will be the understudy of Kevin James in "Paul Blart: Mall Cop - The Musical."

I don’t know what goes on in Upstate New York.  I imagine there are nice houses, nice cars, nice beautiful, and a hell of a lot of cocaine, but what they do Read More →

What have The Beatles ever done for you? Nothing, that's what!

I own a Beatles t-shirt.  It’s green, has a fuzzy cut out of the band circa the Let It Be sessions on the front, and has some questionable brown patches Read More →

Have strength, my little cabbage. By the mercy of NKVD Order No. 00447, we have been chosen for Resettlement. We will show the tin mines of Kolyma the true power of the proletariat.

Just when we started thinking the Internet had run out of caption-and-animal photo pairings, they go ahead and unleash the Iron Curtain-inspired Rolcats on the free world.  What’s more adorable than animals and crumbling oppressive regimes?  Nothin‘ you turkeys!

Where Lolcats often paralleled humans’ barest and most simplistic desires (see: cheezburgers, companionship), their Russian language counterparts bear weightier topics, not limited to societal castes and political hardship.  Our very own Fidel would be proud if not embarassed to admit that animals are cute.

This is the first thing you see when you get to Hell.

The Lonely Island has always seemed to us like a third-rate version of Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job, from the sports parodies to the awkwardness; the difference is that Read More →

Emmy and I were recently liberating snacks from our local 7-11 and deciding whether or not to get a small or large bag of Pizza Combos when we came across this horrible mess: BUTTERFINGER BUZZ.  No, it’s not the horrible feeling of being felt up by a fat guy; it’s Nestle’s new product, designed to give you both the caffeine and the chocolate rush in the time it takes you to say, “This is disgusting.”  By that point, the toxic mess will be swamping through your bloodstream, turning you into a sugar-bloated Hulk, one fueled by D-grade ginseng and the sweat of the third world.

What's that smell?

I’ve been using e-mail for as long as velociraptors have freely roamed the earth, and I’ve seen it all.  I’ve seen the rise and decline of gran-dad AOL, the now-hilariously outdated movie You’ve Got Mail, the sluttiest of Hotmail account names, Fwd: upon Fwd: upon Fwd:, Read More →