Just workin' on they fitness

emmy: i once read this NYT article that says a 40 year old woman should be able to manage 16 push-ups no problem, which means a 20 year old woman should probably be able to do 20-30
jeremy: wow, i ain’t got shit on a 40 year old woman
emmy: ok so i just tried, i can do about 12 pushups in a row before i’m just like FARTTTTT
jeremy: i think i can do like, 7, whoop
emmy: i’m a leg strength kind of person!
jeremy: i have retarded leg strength too, compared to my arm strength
emmy: retarded=good?bad?
jeremy: good, always good
emmy: oh word. yeah i can leg press a family of hippopotamus
jeremy: i once drop kicked a mailbox
emmy: i pretty much loathe the gym but i’m fascinated by the thought that i could become a phonebook-tearing monster, just, rrrrrrip, ROAR
emmy: perhaps the origins of the phrase “rip-roaring”
jeremy: yeah, i wish i could, like, do back flips off walls
jeremy: but whatever, i’m really good at the internet
jeremy: smugface
jeremy: god i need a fuckin’ emoticon for the smug face
jeremy: maybe ; /
emmy: ;-}{
emmy: GOT EM
emmy: it has a doublechin and everything, just like a real smug face

The Academy isn’t fooling anyone with all this posing as though it’s rewarding art, technical prowess, or talent; that it’s about merit, taste, upholding a standard of excellence; that it has nothing to do with box office grosses, industry relationships, and targeted marketing.  Read More →

Have strength, my little cabbage. By the mercy of NKVD Order No. 00447, we have been chosen for Resettlement. We will show the tin mines of Kolyma the true power of the proletariat.

Just when we started thinking the Internet had run out of caption-and-animal photo pairings, they go ahead and unleash the Iron Curtain-inspired Rolcats on the free world.  What’s more adorable than animals and crumbling oppressive regimes?  Nothin‘ you turkeys!

Where Lolcats often paralleled humans’ barest and most simplistic desires (see: cheezburgers, companionship), their Russian language counterparts bear weightier topics, not limited to societal castes and political hardship.  Our very own Fidel would be proud if not embarassed to admit that animals are cute.

What's that smell?

I’ve been using e-mail for as long as velociraptors have freely roamed the earth, and I’ve seen it all.  I’ve seen the rise and decline of gran-dad AOL, the now-hilariously outdated movie You’ve Got Mail, the sluttiest of Hotmail account names, Fwd: upon Fwd: upon Fwd:, Read More →

So you’ve been drinking for like, TWO HOURS.  You’ve got a burning itch (not the burning itch) and you know it’s time to text a loved one, or maybe a former loved one if you’re desperately horny, or maybe Paul Janka if you’re feeling date-rape-victim-y. Read More →

Cam'ron curbing his enthusiasm in a hot tub.

We hear that rapper Cam’ron is developing a TV series based on Curb Your Enthusiasm.  We were so awed, thrilled, incredulous; we couldn’t resist calling up Cam’s weed carrier to get a copy of the script for the pilot episode.   He was kind enough to swing by Taintbrush headquarters to drop off a copy and a few girls we didn’t ask for!

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What with y’all groanin’ about the economy so loud I can hear you from here in my dorm room writing chamber, it’s time I let you in on a little something.

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To act as a DJ: to play, cut, mix, and blend recorded music.

Really, how better can you define what Girl Talk does?  Read More →