It started as an identity crisis of sorts.  Mention of the word “blog” or proclamation of the title “blogger” represent a fiery hell-chasm between connotative and denotative meaning. Read More →

I came across this listing and I mean, HELLO!  Here’s just a snippet of my app — I’d attach the rest but my fingers are crossed too tightly to type!

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing to express my sincere interest in an internship with A Good Day To Be Black & Sexy.  Though I lack relevant background and academic coursework, I am an excellent multitasker with a passion for other cultural identities.  Every waking hour I am barraged with invasive, often insulting context-sensitive Google Ads that boast the secret to being sexy, but I believe that such a thing can only be learned through hands-on experience.  It is indeed a good day for that.

I would love to discuss the position, your equal opportunity employment policy, and my qualifications with you in greater detail.  Thank you in advance for your consideration and I hope to be in correspondence with you soon!

Sincerely,

Emmy Blotnick

To Fuck, Kill, or Marry Jon Lovitz?

emmy: I think marry The Lovitz
jeremy: actually, you know what i heard? janice dickson said jon lovitz was the best guy she ever slept with, amazingly
emmy: janice dickinson. she used to be so so pretty…before the SURGE
jeremy: In an interview on The Howard Stern Show in 2007, Dickinson claimed to have had sex with over 1,000 men.[13]
emmy: that’s pretty much a guy every day from the moment you Become A Woman
jeremy: Her past lovers include Warren Beatty, Sylvester Stallone, Jack Nicholson,[11] Liam Neeson,[11], Sir Mick Jagger[11] Dolph Lundgren, Grace Jones, Kelly LeBrock, and Bruce Willis.[12]
jeremy: Dickinson returned to New York in 1978.[4] She subsequently spent the next several years working steadily and partying often, reportedly interacting with celebrities such as John Belushi, Andy Warhol and Truman Capote.[4]
jeremy: that’s sex with 27 guys every year since she turned 18
emmy: oh, every other week-ish? not that bad
jeremy: actually, 28.5
emmy: oh shit, bangin’ half-dudes
emmy: does she get christmas break from the biweekly manbang
emmy: do threesomes count as two menbeng?
emmy: bengs? bengs, cause it’s plural, i am buggin
jeremy: it’s probably slowed over the years
jeremy: so it was probably like, 50-75 guys a year in her sexual prime
emmy: about a lecture hall’s worth
jeremy: she’s 53 now
emmy: WHAT
jeremy: maybe i should sleep with 1,000 guys
jeremy: and hang out with brilliant people
emmy: hmm, don’t sleep with 1000 guys
jeremy: but JANICE did it! i wanna meet truman capote, too!
jeremy: now…to invent a time machine.
emmy: janice’s vadge probably droops more than her face
jeremy: bet it’s like falling down an elevator shaft in the sears tower
emmy: or like rainbow road in mariokart, minus the rainbow
jeremy: or like when astronauts play golf
jeremy: THWACK
jeremy: sail
jeremy: forever
jeremy: in the vacuum

That is all.

We laughed ourselves into asthma attacks when we first saw the trailer for Daddy Yankee’s raggaeton epic, Talento de Barrio. It’s unbelievable they could pack in such an excess of gunfire and stick-beating and a flaming car without so much as a voiceover or dialogue to explain what in the hell is going on — and just when you think you’re going to get that explanation, you get the beat to “Rompe” instead. Fucking “Rompe.” See for yourself:

It was only a matter of time before NetFlix and the weed guy came through so we could finally watch it for ourselves. Surrounded by munchies, we chose to endure the film and liveblog it so you never, ever have to. Read More →

As the questionnaire often goes, who would play you in the movie of your life?

It’s been over a decade since the Notorious B.I.G.’s death, but most of the prominent supporting characters in the biopic Notorious are in fact alive and famous.  Faith Evans, Mrs. Wallace (Biggie’s mother), Sugg Knight, Lil’ Kim, Lil’ Cease, and probably some other Lil’ friends are all still riding the fame waves in some respect, and the bar is set high for their personae and visages to dovetail before our eyes.

Then there’s Diddy.  Though Biggie’s lifetime wasn’t long enough for him to witness the full metamorphose of Diddy, he did know Puffy and Puff Daddy quite well.  Actor Derek Luke takes on the role, assuming Puffy’s mannerisms and speech patterns so well it’s hard to care that they don’t look exactly alike.  Surely to play Diddy in a movie executive produced by Diddy about Diddy’s friend is no simple Diddy task (Diddy tasks are different from regular tasks.)

One can only imagine the kind of stage direction that took place, the kind of micromanaging to which Diddy must’ve subjected Derek Luke throughout the filming.  We picture Diddy standing offstage, yelling acting instructions like:

“Yeah, yeah, now shake your shoulders like there’s a live goldfish in your hoodie.”

“Pretend you just read a book and it was the most amazing thing you ever read.  Then you turn to the cover and find out you wrote it.  Bring that emotion.”

“Now when you tell Biggie you’ll make him a millionaire, your limbs better flow like a river of Chandon before they was haters.”

“Act like you just been told you Jewish.  You got a big piece of salmon in ya mouth, and you just like, damn, feel that?”

“Throw that money in the audience like you are the whole audience, and you bout to catch your own money.”

“In this scene you a gladiator, with a roll of Glad wrap just feelin’ glad, you Gladys Knight, you the G.L.A.D. organization, that’s the Greater Los Angeles Agency on Deafness, you deaf, get that!”

“Act like you 12, you just got a cowboy birthday cake, but you a grown ass man.  Eating cowboy cake, you ain’t do that.”

Be forewarned, it’s got a subtle German hoodrich rapper twist to it, and you might find yourself stunned, hypersalavating, and deeply confused while you watch.  But what matters is this: there is no other song that packs as many relevant cultural references into 3-4 minutes the way this does.  And this is forgetting the fact that it’s in German, which means I’m missing out on like 85% of them.  Still, in terms of the choice nouns he strings together, here’s what I did glean in a single listen:

Terrorist/bangbus/undercover kickbox/laptop raptop/gangbang cowboy/Brooklyn mailbox/G-Unit Germany/late night rock star reptile/top ten Muslim/Nescafe soft porn

One listen! And just as with “We Didn’t Start the Fire” that is all I can bear. I must only imagine what other gems of juxtaposed nonsense are ensconced in the German rap rough. You see, pop artists of our decade only dream of being able to let this kind of holy drivel pour out of their souls and into our ears. Anthony Kiedis, Kid Rock, Lil’ Wayne, and every other rapper ever canned to a ringtone would rip their rap-rocking hearts out and stuff their faces if they heard this.  Laptop raptop?! Weezy, you wish you wrote that!