Can you take me higher, Scott Stapp?

Creed is reuniting this summer. I presume that your genitals have exploded after reading that sentence, and will give you a moment to clean up. Read More →

MEOW?

I don’t know if “the jig is up” is even an appropriate phrase to use here, it’s kind of one of those Jason Stathamisms I end up barfing out at all the wrong moments, but WHATEVER, it’s fucking happening:

Shoemaker Crocs widened its loss in the first quarter, sending shares plunging more than 20% in after-market trading.

During the quarter, the company recorded a loss of $22.4 million, or 27 cents a share. Read More →

Just two adorable Easter bunnies eatin' matzo.

Why a video? Well, it’s simple. We love Passover, and we think Easter’s cool too ’cause bunnies are cuddly.  We enjoy the festivities and the universal cheer of springtime.  And we enjoy the way we feel after we stuff a tall stack of sheets of dry matzo in our mouths. We also lie about that last part.

Watch and you’ll understand.

Read More →

Weak? You're not doing it right, bro.

Our apologies. It’s been a busy week of finals and working on school stuff and a bunch of boring shit you don’t really care about; BUT, we will be updating soon. Here’s a funny thing I came across while Googling “marijuana smell” to use in the introduction of an article I’m writing.

Was this really the top answer? Does no one have a more accurate, less vom-inducing description of what pot smells like? Then again, the best word I ever heard to describe the smell was simply, “Farts.” As in, “The better your weed is, the more they smell like farts.” Amen to that, I guess.

Things that smell better than “weak skunk pee”:

• The inside of a hobo’s stomach
• The underbelly of an inbred horse
• A bowl of whore’s milk
• Lil’ Wayne’s dreads
• A comic book from 1972 wrapped in a sheath of cat hair
• The rotted sack of skin better known as Madonna

Coming soon: What does cocaine smell like? How can I identify it without getting the urge to listen to Fleetwood Mac?

As our first Taintbrush original video, we felt compelled to feature the smugface, the signature face of people who are smug as fuck.  Consider it a practical instructional video for those of us who are not naturally complacent and offensively self-satisfied all the time. Read More →

Steve Vai is a man not many of you should care about. He’s a guitarist’s guitarist, which means he’s a slash wizard who can out-shred the fuck out of 99% of musicians on the planet, but fills most listeners with nothing but pyrotechnic dread; his biggest group of fans are guys who still blast the first few David Lee Roth albums, and while I can’t fault them, it’s not really my bag. What is the value of these so-called “guitar geniuses” who are incredibly proficient at their instrument but can’t make an album that interests anyone? It’s not as simple as saying they suck just because they can only shred… but what’s the point? A question for another day.

Anyways, the reason you are skipping to the three minute mark of this video (THE THREE MINUTE MARK, 3:00, Youtube’s time stamp won’t work with embedding) is because Mr. Vai is playing some concert decked out in Splinter Cell headgear with some kind of Mandarin ring getup on his hand when the lights go off in the arena and his body comes alive. Notice the LEDs on his guitar? How they light up his fret board so he can see them in the dark? That is nothing compared to his hand: HIS HAND EMITS LASERS. Check it out for yourself. Every ring seems to be a laser pointer, so that when he shreds, lasers shoot out of his fingers and shine wildly.

Vai is probably not an idiot. He knows who this appeals to: Thirteen-year olds who are discovering Led Zeppelin for the first time and think that technically skilled rock is the best kind of rock. For that reasons, playing with goddamn lasers on his hands is a brilliant marketing move. On the other hand, maybe he just thinks lasers are awesome. This is also true!

My point: If you are going to play guitar, you should consider wearing lasers on your hands. Do I really need to deconstruct this? Do I really need to snark about this? Maybe you will read this and give me an F for effort. However, the man is playing with lasers on his hands. Deconstruct that, Einstein.

Behold my fort of virginity.

Just kidding, anime sucks. It’s easy to love Akira and whatever cuteness Hayao Miyazaki craps out, but anime culture Read More →

Have strength, my little cabbage. By the mercy of NKVD Order No. 00447, we have been chosen for Resettlement. We will show the tin mines of Kolyma the true power of the proletariat.

Just when we started thinking the Internet had run out of caption-and-animal photo pairings, they go ahead and unleash the Iron Curtain-inspired Rolcats on the free world.  What’s more adorable than animals and crumbling oppressive regimes?  Nothin‘ you turkeys!

Where Lolcats often paralleled humans’ barest and most simplistic desires (see: cheezburgers, companionship), their Russian language counterparts bear weightier topics, not limited to societal castes and political hardship.  Our very own Fidel would be proud if not embarassed to admit that animals are cute.