Have strength, my little cabbage. By the mercy of NKVD Order No. 00447, we have been chosen for Resettlement. We will show the tin mines of Kolyma the true power of the proletariat.

Just when we started thinking the Internet had run out of caption-and-animal photo pairings, they go ahead and unleash the Iron Curtain-inspired Rolcats on the free world.  What’s more adorable than animals and crumbling oppressive regimes?  Nothin‘ you turkeys!

Where Lolcats often paralleled humans’ barest and most simplistic desires (see: cheezburgers, companionship), their Russian language counterparts bear weightier topics, not limited to societal castes and political hardship.  Our very own Fidel would be proud if not embarassed to admit that animals are cute.

Emmy and I were recently liberating snacks from our local 7-11 and deciding whether or not to get a small or large bag of Pizza Combos when we came across this horrible mess: BUTTERFINGER BUZZ.  No, it’s not the horrible feeling of being felt up by a fat guy; it’s Nestle’s new product, designed to give you both the caffeine and the chocolate rush in the time it takes you to say, “This is disgusting.”  By that point, the toxic mess will be swamping through your bloodstream, turning you into a sugar-bloated Hulk, one fueled by D-grade ginseng and the sweat of the third world.

What's that smell?

I’ve been using e-mail for as long as velociraptors have freely roamed the earth, and I’ve seen it all.  I’ve seen the rise and decline of gran-dad AOL, the now-hilariously outdated movie You’ve Got Mail, the sluttiest of Hotmail account names, Fwd: upon Fwd: upon Fwd:, Read More →

Dark Horse prepares the Star Wars Universe for the most terrified Wookie  ‘O’ face you’ve ever seen in your life.  Hopefully it’s the only Wookie ‘O’ face you’ve ever seen in your life, but I’m not one to say ’cause I just fucking love animated porn.  (That is a bad joke)

Via Newsarama

That new goth movie Coraline just came out, and every half-assed blogger is ripping Neil Gaiman for ripping off Tim Burton’s worthless style, even though the book came out forever ago and Burton couldn’t even carry Gaiman’s goth strap if he tried.  Would Tim Burton ever be photographed holding a panda?  I think not.

Yes, that is T-Pain riding a Segway at a Lil’ Wayne concert.  Look at how it’s kind of blinged out.  What do you think his mileage is?  Do you think he has two or three dozen customized Segways waiting for him backstage, in case one breaks down?  Does each one have a custom paint job?  Custom bling?  Custom handlebars?  T-Pain is not a man of simplicity.  T-Pain is a man of possibility.  T-Pain is the topoi of ludicrousness.   T-Pain is what happens when you hand a man a blank check and say, “Why not.”

Imagine all the places he can go with that thing.  Disney World?  Done.  Soviet Russia circa 1975?  No problem.  Narnia?  Hell, why not.  Who doesn’t wish they could go on Mr. Pain’s Wild Ride?

It started as an identity crisis of sorts.  Mention of the word “blog” or proclamation of the title “blogger” represent a fiery hell-chasm between connotative and denotative meaning. Read More →

I came across this listing and I mean, HELLO!  Here’s just a snippet of my app — I’d attach the rest but my fingers are crossed too tightly to type!

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing to express my sincere interest in an internship with A Good Day To Be Black & Sexy.  Though I lack relevant background and academic coursework, I am an excellent multitasker with a passion for other cultural identities.  Every waking hour I am barraged with invasive, often insulting context-sensitive Google Ads that boast the secret to being sexy, but I believe that such a thing can only be learned through hands-on experience.  It is indeed a good day for that.

I would love to discuss the position, your equal opportunity employment policy, and my qualifications with you in greater detail.  Thank you in advance for your consideration and I hope to be in correspondence with you soon!

Sincerely,

Emmy Blotnick